Music and Lyrics by Michael Bihovsky
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**Featuring**
Evan..................Jeremy Schonzeit
Remy..........................Dana Gitlin
Ensemble..........Michael Bihovsky,
and Natalie West
Michael returns to school for second semester to find his suite-mate Evan hosting an illegal substance party in their common room. Uninterested, Michael goes out for the night, leaving the various stoners to their own devices.
EVAN
All right, losers, get in line
Nickels, just a half-priced dime
Have your cash and orders ready
Cram your lungs with grams of heady
(Remy walks into the room. Evan notices her.)
EVAN (cont’d)
Remy! It’s your first time here, dude!
Look at that – you brought Chinese food!
What’s your fortune, Asian rookie?
REMY
(reading from card)
“You will eat a fortune cookie.”
EVAN
Moo Shu – I can’t wait to taste it!
REMY
(looking at Gothic Punk Emo Stoner Girl)
What’s with her?
STONED GUY #1
Already wasted.
EVAN
Remy needs no introduction
Let’s give her the group induction
You ever kiss another girl?
REMY
Sure!
(Everyone looks shocked.)
REMY (cont’d)
God, you guys are highly strung
STONED GUY #2
Did you kiss with tongue?
REMY
Yes, but we were young
Besides, with girls these days,
There’s fewer ways of getting what you want
STONED GIRL #1
And what do you want, Remy?
REMY
Evan knows.
STONED GUY #2
Oh, Evan blows.
EVAN
I heard that!
REMY
All right, Evan, what’s your fee?
EVAN
(indicating the Goth Punk Emo Stoner Girl)
Free if you tongue Emily.
(Remy kisses the shell-shocked looking Goth Punk Emo Stoner Girl. Some enthusiastic cheering on the part of the guys in the room.)
STONED GUY #2
That’s hot.
(As Remy pulls away, the Goth Punk Emo Stoner Girl looks vaguely confused.)
GOTH PUNK EMO STONER GIRL
Dad?
(Everyone looks around uncertainly .Remy turns back to Evan, who is staring at Remy in shock.)
REMY
What?
EVAN
(tossing her a bag of pot)
You’re such a slut!
REMY
You call me a slut ‘cause I make people happy?
EVAN
No need to get jappy – just make me happy too!
REMY
You think I’d get with you? What are you smoking?!
ALL (except Remy)
What do you think?!
EVAN
When the whole world seems to hate you
Evan’s shit rejuvenates you
He that makes the cages rattle
Always wins the losing battle!
STONED GUY #1
Dude… That totally rhymed.
(Everyone stares at the Stoned Guy.)
EVAN
Last night
I had the most amazing conversation
With an imaginary squirrel
STONERS
It’s a squirrel!
EVAN
He told me if I climbed the stairs I’d
Reach a state of “high awareness”
I reached the trough
And I jumped off!
Then I started rising up above the skyline
And it was really goddam cold
STONERS
Fucking cold!
EVAN
‘Till I reached my one desire
Who could hope to get much higher?
I saw the world
Thanks to that squirrel!
STONERS
Drugs, drugs, drugs!
Working out life’s little bugs, with
Drugs, drugs, drugs!
They make me so happy!
Evan, you know you’re the man
Deal me out a better hand
Don’t you know
I can’t say no to drugs
REMY
Is that all you got? A squirrel? I can beat that.
Just now
I got the most perceptive introspection
From a piece of pecan pie
STONERS
Were you high?!
REMY
Uh…yeah!
It told me that if I was cunning
I wouldn’t chase what won’t stop running
And then I’d thrive
And feel alive
Now you might guess this wasn’t just your average pastry
So he tried to make a deal
STONERS
An appeal!
REMY
That if I spared him from the knife
He’d pass the secret key to life
STONERS
Tell us all!
REMY
(holding up an empty plate)
Fuck!
I can’t recall…
STONERS
Drugs, drugs, drugs!
Homeless people fill their jugs for
Drugs, drugs, drugs!
Suddenly, they’re happy!
Won’t you give me just one last fix?
So I don’t need psychiatrics
There’s no doubt
Can’t live without my drugs
(Instrumental break, during which the Stoners writhe on the floor in unison.)
EVAN AND REMY
We’ve got to reexamine all the “maybes”
Talk to squirrels, and not get rabies
And be alert
To our desert
STONERS
Drugs, drugs, drugs!
Hidden underneath my rugs are
Drugs, drugs, drugs!
When I’m feeling crappy!
STONERS EVAN AND REMY
(simul.) (simul.)
Drugs, drugs, drugs! You want it
Always will be, And you need it
Always was for I’ve/He’s got it all
Drugs, drugs, drugs! You want it
Come get it!
ALL
Who could be unhappy?
When you get that special buzz
The world doesn’t suck like it usually does
Heaven may you light my way on…
(Everyone inhales.)
ALL
Drugs!
(On this last word, everyone loses their energy and collapses onto the floor in a heap.)
© 2008, Michael Bihovsky
Which track would you like to hear next?
2. “When I Looked Into the Mirror”
4. “Drugs, Drugs, Drugs”
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