Music and Lyrics by Michael Bihovsky
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**Featuring**
Ensemble..........Michael Bihovsky,
and Natalie West
Lights up on a long dining-room table. Michael joins an empty seat at the table, which is filled with RELATIVES. Everybody has their hands clasped in prayer, with the exception of Michael, who looks off into the distance, clearly bored.
RELATIVES
On this day of pure Thanksgiving
Peace and joy for all those living
Guide us from within
Keep us safe from sin
As we eat and drink our fill
With family we love and want to kill
And ideally, very soon we will
God, in all Your might
Shield us with Your sight
Save us from this hell
Thanksgiving night
(The music turns to hard rock as everyone in the family immediately lifts from their contemplative positions, and begins arguing with one another. As the music quiets down, the arguments continues, though hushed. Michael continues to look off, bored.)
GRANDMA 1
Murray, pass the gravy!
Murray, pass the gravy!
Murray, pass the gravy!
GRANDPA
WHAT?
GRANDMA
Murray, pass the gravy!
GRANDPA
WHAT?
UNCLE
(in an old Jewish voice)
Has anyone seen my hemorrhoid medication? It was right here on the table...
RELATIVES
What a fucking joy reliving
One more night - deploy thanksgiving!
Every single soul affronted
“Family Feud” at round two-hundred
Pour some vodka in my bottle of Sprite
'Cause I'd rather be unconscious tonight
Rough words, stuffed birds
Seconds with room for thirds
Breadcrumbs, pilgrims, It's all a delight
Serving turkey to vegetarians
Mayflowers, days, hours
Never an ending in sight
Thanksgiving night
(Everyone is seated, staring suspiciously at one another. Individual Relatives address the family at large.)
DAD
Well, I'm completely against a law on bestiality. I say we should keep the government out of our barns!
GRANDMA 1
...and when we were in Canada that one time, in 1972, we had some good pretty good pastrami. But then we went to Florida, it was 1989, and we had even better pastrami. Isn’t that right, Murray?
GRANDPA
WHAT?
AUNT 1
(to the kids)
...so I'm shaving off all my hair, and I'm moving to a convent with The Leader who provides us with food, shelter, and a place to dance to the Northern Wind Goddess of the Moon. And if you are all really good, after dinner, I will show you my magic bone.
GRANDMA 2
(standing suddenly)
YEAH!
YEAH YEAH! YEAH YEAH! YEAH YEAH!
YEAH YEAH! YEAH YEAH!
(Everybody, even Michael, stops to stare at Grandma, who after a moment sits back down and casually resumes eating.)
MICHAEL
Um...?
RELATIVES
Turkey stuffing, sure to fill you
That if undercooked, will kill you!
So much food, you could, with patience
Feed entire third-world nationsMOM
Michael!
Sit up straight!
AUNT 2
And don't take so big a bite!
ALL
And be grateful that it's only one night!
RELATIVES AND MICHAEL COUSINS
(simul.) (simul.)
Grilled cheese, canned peas
Gelatin cranberries My plate of yams
Loathsome, wholesome Fell on the floor
Just give it a try! Gimme some more
GRANDMA 2
YEAH YEAH! YEAH YEAH!
Wasteful, tasteful COUSINS
Gimme a faceful of This tastes like shit
Mudlike soup
ALL
That should've been pumpkin pie
(slowly rising)
And now that I am fully fed
I just wanna go to bed
'Cause speaking realistically
I'd bet, statistically
Millions have been murdered on Thanksgiving
Out of anger, grief, or spite
COUSIN
I'm still hungry!
ALL
Stuff it, and move on
Thanksgiving night!
(As the final note is held out, there is utter chaos as all Relatives except for Michael strangle each other, have tug-of-wars with turkey legs, etc.
Blackout.)
© 2010, Michael Bihovsky
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